My son has a name, he is not just a number

Just some pictures remembering better times

Merry Christmas Jared

 .Dear Jared,

Last night, Christmas Eve, it was harder than I thought, you being in prison on Christmas. I won't see you next Christmas either or the next or the next. This is hard. I miss you. I wish this wasn't real. I want you out of there and there is nothing I can do . I feel so sad, for you, for me and for your sister and brother who are growing up while you are in there. I am also mad as hell you couldn't control your your actions ,that we all suffer one way or the other  because  of those actions. It is going to be the longest 3--4 years of my life. I love you, you are my son and I will always be here to support you, this is not the life I planned for you when I held you as an infant and swore I would never let any harm come to you, that I would love you forever.........this is not the life I chose for you.
Christmas blessings of peace and hope to you . 

Love, Mom 

To all the moms who also have sons in prison, I wish you peace today, to have  just a few treasured sweet moments when all  seems alright with the world. A chance  that we may smile and laugh and just forget, for a moment  that our sons are not with us but in the worse place they could possibly be, prison. 

To all the wonderful, supportive moms and parents here, you are not alone. Across the miles there are many moms in the same place you are who have sons in the same place as your son. 

Your letter made my day today !

I finally got a letter from my son last week and another one today . He was transferred to a Work Camp a few days ago, his letter was uplifting and made my Christmas. All positive, playing chess, attending church, Bible study, going to get a job, getting ready to take GED classes and reading a lot, working out.......says the inmates there are good and that I don't need to worry. So, I am in a much place mentally from knowing he is okay. 

Now maybe I can have a merrier Christmas with my younger children

and at 9 pm I will light the candle and send my son love and peace and have a prayer 'with him' . I miss him so......

For all the mothers with son's in prison.......

God bless all our children, may he guide them to find the right path, may he keep them safe and fill their lonely moments. Please Lord, keep them safe in the palm of your hands. 

Sending you light

                              .   I bought this little candle 

and put it in front of an angel. This is the candle I am going to

                                  light on Christmas Eve and

 send you peace and say a prayer for you. I told you about

                                    this hoping you will say a prayer at the same time.

 Then I am going to do this every

                                      night. It will be like our little visit together. Christmas is very sad this year,I miss you

                                       and it is hard putting up a front for the kids 

FINALLY

I heard from you...it made my day, I have been better since.

Where are you Jared ?

It has been 6 weeks since I have heard from you. I am going crazy with worry and sadness. Please write, something,anything...I have to hear from you.

I am still waiting

I have not heard from you in month and it is driving me crazy. I say things here that I won't say in my letters because I don't want to add to your already bad feelings but this is killing me. I think about you and worry and miss you all day, everyday. I wish I could fix this, I wish there was something I could do but there is nothing but fear and sadness.

Just waiting

For a letter from you...I sent a few letters to you last week so I figure I should hear from you any day now. If you think you like mail call, you should see me when I hear from you. I miss you Jared.

Prayers

Jared, you will always be my son. I miss you so much

 Still My Son

When he chooses to run away-
He is still my son.

When he chooses to curse at me-
He is still my son.

When he chooses to drop out of school-
He is still my son.

When he chooses to use alcohol and drugs-
He is still my son.

When he chooses to run with the wrong friends-
He is still my son.

When he chooses not to serve the God I serve-
He is still my son.

When spouse and church family don't understand-
He is still my son.

If he gets locked up for his mistakes-
He is still my son.

A mother's love is unconditional.
I'm learning this day by day.
I birthed this son into the world and
Have loved him all the way.

The choices that he may decide to make,
May seem like Greek to me.
There will be more days to come,
When we may never agree.
I will continue to love and pray for him
Until my life on earth is done.
God gave this child to me and
He will forever be-My Son!

The Little things that mean so much .....

This is all I have of my son, I left Florida a year and a half ago, my son stayed. most of our belongings are still there. When he was arrested in Feb 2010, he sent me a card from the County jail about this cross, it was back at the House where the fight broke out that landed him in jail and he was worried they would throw it out. He has had this cross for a few years. So without telling him I sent a SASE with 10 bucks in it and asked them to mail it to me, 2 weeks later my son's cross made it from Florida to Pa where I am holding it for him. He was happy I got it, thanked me.

It's all I left of my son, I am so glad I have it.

So many heartbreaking stories

http://www.mothersofinmates.org/profile/JTsmom

I joined a group for mothers with sons in prison, after reading just a handful of the stories, they were just heartbreaking. This is really hard to deal with.

This is a difficult day

Tears last night, sadness still, this is not a happy holiday. I don't really feel thankful for anything. My son is alone in a cell with no family. Why did he have to lose it ? Why did he make the choices he has ?

So sad and alone

Nobody to talk to who could possibly understand how this feels to know your son is in a prison and there ain't damn thing you can do about it. I write this through tears streaming from my eyes. I don't want my son in prison, why did he have to lose control?

Happy Thanksgiving to my son

This is not a Happy Thanksgiving for me either, my life will never be right until your life is .  

Introduction

My son, I will call him J, is 25 years old and when I moved back North in June 2010, he stayed in Florida. 

Plans were being made for him to return in March 2011 but he got into a fight 2/11 that landed him in Land O'Lakes. That was 9 months ago. I have not talked to him since. Last week he was transferred to the reception center in Orlando and his release date is May 2015. 

The thought of my son in a prison for 3 more years is just overwhelming, for the past week all I can think of is 3 years. 3 years, 3 more birthdays, 3 more Thanksgivings, 3 more Christmases. 3 more years until I see him again.

3 years seems like forever, when I write to him, I of course come off  positive to try to keep him strong but inside I am shattered to pieces and can't take it. 

J is no saint, his anger problems were escalating over the last few years. I also had to call the police to intervene but underneath all his hostilities he was a  decent kid. Becoming a felon was not in his cards. 

We had income problems and problems keeping apartments  during his life, being a single mother has been difficult making ends meet  but other than that, we had a safe, quit, close, loving family. He was my only child for 10 years, everything was me and him, him and me. I never did not drugs, didn't drink. didn't date or screw around. My life was for my son. 

He did okay in school. he passed, he could have done better.

  Then our lives took a spin, I met someone. I got pregnant with twins, everything seemed perfect but we soon would find out our lives would be in constant crisis because of alcoholism. The new love of my life and the father of my future twins was an alcoholic who would lose jobs, drink up my money and cause us several evictions the first two years of my twins lives. The all night verbal fights were torturous on J, he was stressed and missed school several times because of being awake all night from the fighting. 

  In the midst of all the chaos J had to fend for himself often  things I always did for him because it was just him and me. I was so tired all the time being an older mom of twins and the constant conflict with their father that I had no time for my son. I thought him being 11 that he could just adapt but he saw my business and lack of attention as a rejection. Plopping in microwave dinners replaced home cooked meals, he had to do his homework without help, there was no time to just sit down and talk and do anything together. The babies took over my every moment in the daytime and their father and I screamed at each other all night. My son was around 12 or 13 when he began hanging out with the wrong kids and at first I was happy he had an outlet, that he was going out, even though sometimes he didn't come home . 

 Then he got into trouble with a group of boys. To make a long story short, I asked the Judge to intervene and he was sent to Virginia to a Residential Treatment Facility for juvenile delinquents. He spent about 14 months there and we engaged in family therapy via phone twice a week and I talked to his doctor basically everyday. 

  

For awhile when he came home he seemed fine, he had a job stocking shelves at a supermarket but got fired for not being fast enough.

 J is very shy and looking for a job was hard for him, he had anxiety problems. He was going out again with kids who were not really desirable, he was drinking and staying out for days .By this time I had left my twins father already and we were on our own but he blamed me for his screwed up life and for what he felt was a rejection when his twin siblings were born .He never let it go, he never got over it .

I always felt guilt . To this day I feel guilty for not giving him the attention he needed or should have had. 

There are millions of kids who have siblings and have to take a back seat and handle losing 'mommy' quite well  but he never could deal with it.

We moved to Florida in 2006, he stayed behind in Pa with friends, it didn't work out so he joined us 6 months later. 

 His siblings and I left Florida in 2010 and he decided to stay in Florida with friends. 

 Then there was a fight, drinking and he was arrested. I talked to him on the phone a few times a week between 7/10-2/11 trying to make him do something with his life. He kept telling me what he wanted to do,his plans but he never pursued them. It was always just talk and dreams. Honestly, I believe if  he didn't have the social anxiety disorder I believe he has , I think he would have managed life better.

 Emotionally I believe he is 18 years old. He needs direction. He needs a mentor. He is in prison and it breaks my heart when I look at his mug shot. The stare, the fear, the emptiness in his face just makes me cry.  I can't deal with not seeing him for 3 more years, I can't deal with the fact he is in a bad place with bad people just rotting away. But I will pretend when I write to him that we can both survive this, that we need to be strong. It's a lie, he is depressed and scared and my biggest figure is something happening to me before he gets out and he has nobody left in the world. 

 Dear God, please send someone to help my son. Please send someone he can talk to and trust. Please God keep him safe and strong.

Testing testing

I miss my son.....how does a mother go through something like this ?