Introduction

My son, I will call him J, is 25 years old and when I moved back North in June 2010, he stayed in Florida. 

Plans were being made for him to return in March 2011 but he got into a fight 2/11 that landed him in Land O'Lakes. That was 9 months ago. I have not talked to him since. Last week he was transferred to the reception center in Orlando and his release date is May 2015. 

The thought of my son in a prison for 3 more years is just overwhelming, for the past week all I can think of is 3 years. 3 years, 3 more birthdays, 3 more Thanksgivings, 3 more Christmases. 3 more years until I see him again.

3 years seems like forever, when I write to him, I of course come off  positive to try to keep him strong but inside I am shattered to pieces and can't take it. 

J is no saint, his anger problems were escalating over the last few years. I also had to call the police to intervene but underneath all his hostilities he was a  decent kid. Becoming a felon was not in his cards. 

We had income problems and problems keeping apartments  during his life, being a single mother has been difficult making ends meet  but other than that, we had a safe, quit, close, loving family. He was my only child for 10 years, everything was me and him, him and me. I never did not drugs, didn't drink. didn't date or screw around. My life was for my son. 

He did okay in school. he passed, he could have done better.

  Then our lives took a spin, I met someone. I got pregnant with twins, everything seemed perfect but we soon would find out our lives would be in constant crisis because of alcoholism. The new love of my life and the father of my future twins was an alcoholic who would lose jobs, drink up my money and cause us several evictions the first two years of my twins lives. The all night verbal fights were torturous on J, he was stressed and missed school several times because of being awake all night from the fighting. 

  In the midst of all the chaos J had to fend for himself often  things I always did for him because it was just him and me. I was so tired all the time being an older mom of twins and the constant conflict with their father that I had no time for my son. I thought him being 11 that he could just adapt but he saw my business and lack of attention as a rejection. Plopping in microwave dinners replaced home cooked meals, he had to do his homework without help, there was no time to just sit down and talk and do anything together. The babies took over my every moment in the daytime and their father and I screamed at each other all night. My son was around 12 or 13 when he began hanging out with the wrong kids and at first I was happy he had an outlet, that he was going out, even though sometimes he didn't come home . 

 Then he got into trouble with a group of boys. To make a long story short, I asked the Judge to intervene and he was sent to Virginia to a Residential Treatment Facility for juvenile delinquents. He spent about 14 months there and we engaged in family therapy via phone twice a week and I talked to his doctor basically everyday. 

  

For awhile when he came home he seemed fine, he had a job stocking shelves at a supermarket but got fired for not being fast enough.

 J is very shy and looking for a job was hard for him, he had anxiety problems. He was going out again with kids who were not really desirable, he was drinking and staying out for days .By this time I had left my twins father already and we were on our own but he blamed me for his screwed up life and for what he felt was a rejection when his twin siblings were born .He never let it go, he never got over it .

I always felt guilt . To this day I feel guilty for not giving him the attention he needed or should have had. 

There are millions of kids who have siblings and have to take a back seat and handle losing 'mommy' quite well  but he never could deal with it.

We moved to Florida in 2006, he stayed behind in Pa with friends, it didn't work out so he joined us 6 months later. 

 His siblings and I left Florida in 2010 and he decided to stay in Florida with friends. 

 Then there was a fight, drinking and he was arrested. I talked to him on the phone a few times a week between 7/10-2/11 trying to make him do something with his life. He kept telling me what he wanted to do,his plans but he never pursued them. It was always just talk and dreams. Honestly, I believe if  he didn't have the social anxiety disorder I believe he has , I think he would have managed life better.

 Emotionally I believe he is 18 years old. He needs direction. He needs a mentor. He is in prison and it breaks my heart when I look at his mug shot. The stare, the fear, the emptiness in his face just makes me cry.  I can't deal with not seeing him for 3 more years, I can't deal with the fact he is in a bad place with bad people just rotting away. But I will pretend when I write to him that we can both survive this, that we need to be strong. It's a lie, he is depressed and scared and my biggest figure is something happening to me before he gets out and he has nobody left in the world. 

 Dear God, please send someone to help my son. Please send someone he can talk to and trust. Please God keep him safe and strong.