I wrote you a letter last night, it seems like all I do is write you letters.It is all I have right now. I miss you Jared.

Don't dwell what has already happened

I miss you

I won't tell you while you are in prison that I am also in a prison with worries and fears about you every waking moment of the day. I am terribly sad for you, for me and miss you.

Getting ready to write my son, I hate to begin...Dear Jared, how are you ? What a joke....I hope you are ok....well, how about 'I hope you are doing good' or maybe ' Happy New Year'.....nothing seems right. Every letter, it is hard to begin.

I feel like screaming ' I hate writing you to this place, how in the hell could this be happening, it is killing me, I think about you every waking second and cry sometimes. You have consumed my entire life, my life will never be the same until I see you making it in your life." 

But I won't, I will offer him words of encouragement and hope and love leaving the pain between the lines that he can't see but he knows me well. He knows how I get. 

I miss him, I miss him so much I can't stand it. I wish he could start over at 14 years old, just start over making different friends, different choices. Wishing gets me nowhere. He is 25, in prison for 3-4  years and I already have not seen my son since June 2010. He has become a man, his siblings are growing up, life out here moves on without him . Damn, if I could just do something to make this all go away.